


Even If You Get Lost (Come Back To Me)

by hanniehae (yugbamismyspiritanimal)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Choreographer Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi, Dealing With Loss, Emotional Roller Coaster, Emotional Trauma, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Family Drama, Funerals, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Lots of Crying, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Break Up, Producer Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Song Lyrics, Song fic, Soonhoon - Freeform, lots of yelling, self destructive soonhoon, the rest of svt is just mentioned here and there, they eventually find their way back to each other but wow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:46:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27647020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yugbamismyspiritanimal/pseuds/hanniehae
Summary: Just a story of how Soonyoung and Jihoon fell apart, but never really out of love with each other. As Soonyoung attempts to finally move on, Jihoon shows how vulnerable he really is for the entire world, or at least their friends, to hear. But when tragedy strikes and family secrets come to the surface, will they ever find their way back to each other?*title based on lyrics from Pinwheel*
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Chan | Dino, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 16
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi henlo friends. this is my first svt fic so please be kind haha. i've written several got7 fics under my other pseuds on here and decided to finally jump into the world of svt fics. 
> 
> this fic is still a work in progress but is fully outlined, so it shouldn't take me long to finish it and have the whole thing posted! i'm starting with the first two chapters and plan on updating weekly! please don't be shy in saying hi and leaving feedback! 
> 
> come hang out with me and my sister on IG @minjiandmo and wild out with us about svt!

Soonyoung was trying. God knows he was. And he hoped his friends did too, well what was left of them anyway. He honestly wasn’t sure what had been the worst part of his break up with Jihoon six months ago, the loss of who he thought was the love of his life, the man he thought he would be spending the rest of his life with, or the fact that their friend group had respectively split in half along with them. Soonyoung didn’t blame them though. And he never would. He knew that many of their shared friends came to be because of the other one. He did, however, feel bad for his Mingyu. Mingyu had been one of his best friends since university and Mingyu was head over heels in love with Wonwoo. And Wonwoo? Wonwoo was equally in love with Mingyu and also Jihoon’s best friend. The couple that remained never quite knowing the best way to navigate that their best friends were no longer together.

Soonyoung had long since lost track of the number of times he’d called Mingyu late at night while nursing his third, or maybe fourth, bottle of soju of the night and sobbing about how much Jihoon had broken his heart but that he would do anything for them to find their way back to each other. And Mingyu, sweet, precious Mingyu, never declined his hyung’s call no matter what time of the night it was. Soonyoung knew the number of arguments that it caused for Mingyu and Wonwoo thanks to Jeonghan. Because if there was one thing that Jeonghan absolutely did not possess, that was a filter.

“Soonyoung-ah, Wonwoo is going to kick your ass one of these days if you keep interrupting him and Mingyu’s date nights because you can’t stop crying over Jihoon,” the older of the two said flippantly as he turned down the music in Soonyoung’s dance studio.

Soonyoung just pouted. At what he wasn’t entirely sure. His practice time being interrupted for the sake of “lunch with his favorite hyung” or at what Jeonghan had said. He opted to flop down on the couch he had in the corner of the room before acknowledging the elder.

“Hyuuuuung,” he whined. 

“Soon, it’s been six months. Don’t you think it’s time to move on?”

Soonyoung stayed quiet. 

It’s not like the idea of moving on hadn’t crossed his mind. He knew that Jihoon hadn’t moved on yet. And likely wouldn’t. With all the time he spent in the studio working on music for idol group after idol group, when would he have the time? That was a huge reason behind their split in the first place. The slightly younger of the two spending nearly all his time in the studio composing and producing song after song. Soonyoung had eventually lost track of the number of dates and anniversaries and birthdays that Jihoon had been late for or just completely forgotten altogether. Sometimes he just wishes that he would have kept his mouth shut the night Jihoon left. Soonyoung knew better than to ask him to choose between his work and him. But he still threw the ultimatum out there, praying to whoever might be listening that Jihoon would choose him.

* * *

  
  


_ “Hoonie,” Soonyoung sighed when the younger finally found his way home that night. “I thought you were going to be here hours ago. You promised.” _

_ Jihoon just sighed as he toed his shoes off and made his way to their shared bedroom. _

_ “Soonyoung, don’t start. Not tonight. I’m exhausted.” _

_ Soonyoung just blinked at him as if his boyfriend had grown a second head on his shoulders. _

_ “YOU’RE exhausted?? And I’m not? I work too, you know, Ji.” _

_ “Right,” Jihoon spat back. “I forget how exhausting it must be to teach beginners dance to a bunch of children.” _

_ Soonyoung was seething. Was Jihoon really implying that his job wasn’t as important or exhausting as his was? He knew that he should just keep his mouth shut, but the last few months had been nothing but broken promise after broken promise and Soonyoung was tired. Tired of feeling like he was the only one putting in any effort into their relationship anymore. Tired of being alone all the time. And when Soonyoung is tired, his mouth shoots off before his brain can tell him to shut up. _

_ “You’re right. I can understand how you wouldn’t have a clue how exhausting what I do is when you do nothing but sit on your ass all day, Jihoon. My bad.” _

_ The moment the words left his mouth he knew he’d fucked up and taken things to a level that they hadn’t yet been when they argued about this. But he couldn’t be bothered to stop himself at this point. _

_ “What the fuck did you just say?” _

_ “I don’t recall stuttering. If your hearing is getting that bad Hoonie, you really should get it checked on. We both know how important it is for you to be able to hear everyone and everything else except for me, right?” _

_ Soonyoung knew that the use of that pet name would be a slap in the face, and it was judging by the look on Jihoon’s face, which is precisely why he used it. _

_ “Oh fuck you, Soonyoung! Doesn’t this get old? Arguing about the same thing all the time? Clearly, it’s not getting us anywhere!” _

_ “Of course it gets old! I’m so  _ **_tired_ ** _ of having this same fucking argument with you all the time! I know that you work hard and I know that your job keeps you constantly busy, but you used to make time for me, for  _ **_us_ ** _ , and now you just don’t. At all! I wait up every night for you when you tell me you’ll be home for dinner and you NEVER are. I miss you. I miss you all the time and it’s like you don’t even fucking care anymore and I can’t do this anymore, Ji, I really can’t.” _

_ Soonyoung was crying at this point while Jihoon looked at him wide-eyed while he broke down. _

_ “You have to make time for me, for us. Please, Jihoon. I need you to make time for me. I never wanted to ask you to choose between me and your work, but we haven’t spent more than ten minutes together before bed in over six months. So please. You have to decide what’s more important to you right now and what you can’t be without.” _

_ Jihoon looked like a fish out of water struggling for air at the words that just left Soonyoung’s lips. _

_ “Ji,” Soonyoung pleaded. “Please.” _

_ “Soonyoung, please. Don’t make me choose like this. Not right now.” _

_ Soonyoung let out a noise that was somewhere between a chuckle and a broken off sob. _

_ “I think you just did.” _

_ They stared at each other for a moment before Jihoon walked to the closet to grab his duffle and stuffed a few clothes in there before turning back to face Soonyoung. _

_ “I think you’re right,” Jihoon whispered before giving Soonyoung a quick peck on the lips. _

_ “ _ _ I’m sorry, Soonyoung.” _

_ And with that, the young producer quietly toed his shoes back on and walked out the door for the last time. _

_ Soonyoung felt like all the oxygen in the room had been sucked out as he dropped to his knees and let out the sob that had been building since they started arguing over an hour ago. Jihoon had really just walked out on him. After everything that they had been through together, both good and bad, he just walked out as if it was the easiest thing he’d ever done. Soonyoung scrambled to find his phone and cringed when he saw how late it was, but that didn’t stop him from clicking on his best friend’s contact and dialing him. _

_ “Hyung? It’s like almost 3 o’clock in the morning, what the he-” _

_ “G-gyu?” Soonyoung choked out in between sobs. _

_ “Hyung? Hyung, what it is, what happened?” _

_ “He l-left. Ji-jihoon, he l-left. He w-walked out, Gyu, he’s g-gone.” _

_ Soonyoung knew how pathetic he sounded but his whole body hurt as the weight of what happened sunk in. _

_ “I’m on my way hyung, okay? You’re gonna be okay. I’ve got you always.” _

* * *

  
  
  


Soonyoung was broken out of his reminiscing as Jeonghan flopped down next to him on the couch and bumped their shoulders together. He smiled up at the elder before grabbing his water bottle and downing half of it.

“I’m okay hyung.”

“I’m not saying that you aren’t, Soonyoung-ah. Just think about what I said, yeah? It would do you some good to get back out there. And before you hit me with that ‘but what if Jihoon still wants to make things work’, let me just stop you right there.”

Soonyoung put his hand back down and pouted that Jeonghan knew what he was going to say before he ever got the chance to.

“Soonie, if he wanted to work things out, don’t you think he would have reached out to you by now? We all know he’s stubborn, but not this stubborn. And never when it came to you.”

Soonyoung sighed. He supposed that Jeonghan was right. Jihoon had been stubborn for as long as they had known each other. But one thing that Jihoon was always upfront with was how he felt about Soonyoung. Much to everyone’s surprise given his quiet and reserved nature. Maybe that’s why this hurt so much.

“And even if he does want to make things work, so what? Soon, why does he get to just go do what he wants and live how he wants for the months leading up to your split and even now and just expect you to still be waiting around for him? Maybe that’s why he hasn’t moved on yet is because he doesn’t think he has to because he knows you haven’t either.”

“You don’t really think he’s like that do you hyung?”

Jeonghan just sighed. Soonyoung knew that the elder was still pissed at Jihoon for walking out on him, but he was also still friends with Jihoon, even if only because of Seungcheol. But did he really think that lowly of him? And more importantly, why did he care so much if he did. Maybe Jeonghan was right. Maybe it was time for him to move on.

“Okay,” Soonyoung mumbled.

“Okay, what?”

“Okay, you’re right. Maybe it is time for me to move on.”

Jeonghan clapped in delight and Soonyoung could only roll his eyes at his hyung’s antics.

“What about that cute boy that also dances here? The one that teaches the contemporary class that Minghao has been taking?”

Soonyoung blanched. How did Jeonghan know about the cute boy that taught down the hall from him? Or better yet, how did he know that he thought he was cute?

“You mean Chan? What about him?”

“I have it on good authority that he also thinks you’re cute, Soon-ah.”

Soonyoung sputtered at that statement. Who in the hell had Jeonghan been talking to that knew Chan and also knew that he thought the younger was cute?

He was going to murder his best friend.

“I swear to fuck, I’m going to beat Mingyu’s ass for not knowing how to keep his mouth shut. I didn’t even know he knew Chan.”

Jeonghan just giggled at that.

“Hyuuuuung, it’s not funny,” Soonyoung pouted.

“He just wants you to be happy, Soonyoung-ah. He cares about you.”

If there was one thing that Soonyoung hated, it was Jeonghan being right more than once in the span of 20 minutes. He also hated that Mingyu was always silently looking out for him like he was the hyung instead of Soonyoung. But for every grumble he had about the two of them, he honestly couldn’t be more thankful for either of them.

“I know hyung.”

The pair settled in silence for a while before Jeonghan spoke up again.

“Sooooooo, how are we going to get the two of you together?”

“We?? What do you mean ‘we’?”

“You don’t honestly think that Mingyu and I haven’t been waiting for this day to finally come around, do you? You really think that you aren’t going to need some help with this? Look how long it took you to finally admit that you needed to move on!”

Soonyoung just sighed. Suddenly he was regretting every decision that he had made from the moment he’d woken up this morning. He also knew that there was absolutely nothing he could do that would get either of them off his back. Might as well go ahead and accept his fate and let his friends do whatever it is that they had been planning.

“Ugh, fine. Meet me at our favorite ramyeon shop at 6:00 tonight. And bring Mingyu. We can discuss this ‘plan’ over dinner. I have to get back to work, I have a new class starting this afternoon.”

Jeonghan patted him on the back before strutting out of the studio and telling him that he’d see him for dinner, leaving Soonyoung alone with his thoughts for the first time in what seemed like hours. He could do this, he thought to himself. Moving on was a normal part of life and Jihoon wasn’t coming back to him. No matter how much he wanted him to. Who knows, maybe Chan was who he had been looking for all this time without ever realizing it. He supposed that time would tell.


	2. Chapter 2

Soonyoung regretted agreeing to meet Jeonghan and Mingyu for dinner the moment he walked into the restaurant and saw Chan sitting next to Mingyu. He was half tempted to turn around and walk out until he made eye contact with Chan and the way the younger smiled at him was enough for him to willingly put up with Mingyu and Jeonghan if it meant he got to see more of that smile.

And that’s how he ended up asking Chan for his number and if he could take him out for coffee sometime, just the two of them, to which Chan happily agreed as he put his number in Soonyoung’s phone. Soonyoung text him immediately so the younger would also have his number and made a mental note that he would have to thank his overly involved friends in the morning while also grumbling about their meddling. He had to keep them on their toes after all.

It was late when he finally made it home from dinner and he mulled over whether or not to text Chan to see if he’d made it home okay. He didn’t want to come across as too clingy. He’d be damned if he pushed away Chan in the same way he seemed to have pushed Jihoon away. Soonyoung’s mood soured upon thinking of his ex. Chan was nothing like Jihoon. Before he could let his thoughts get any further from him and ruin what had actually been a decent night, his phone buzzed on his nightstand. He groaned as he leaned over to grab it, assuming that it was Mingyu or Jeonghan, or worse, Wonwoo complaining to him that he let Mingyu get drunk on a work night, but to his surprise it was Chan. He’d acknowledge later the butterflies that were fluttering around in his stomach over that. He swore his face was going to crack because of how big his smile was as he opened the message. Chan really was the sweetest thing. And cheeky.

  
  


**chan chan:** i had fun tonight, hyung. i hope that it was okay that i was there unannounced? i’m assuming it was tho since you asked me out lololol 

**horanghae:** i had fun too, chan-ah. i hope you keep turning up unannounced like that ;)

**chan chan:** hajimaaaaaa hyung!

**chan chan:** i just made it home, hyung. rest well tonight. i’ll see you at the studio tomorrow. <3

**horanghae:** sleep well, chan-ah. see you tomorrow <3

  
  


Fuck. He was in deep already with this kid. But he was surprisingly okay with it and for the first time in what seemed like months, he fell asleep peacefully.

* * *

  
  


Getting to know Chan was easy. And fun. Soonyoung had almost forgotten how fun it could be being with someone and how fast time seemed to go by in those early days. It was quickly approaching their 100 days of whatever this had been that they had going on and Chan had popped into his studio earlier in the day to tell him to meet him up on the roof after he was finished with his last class that evening. Soonyoung agreed, thinking that maybe the younger was going to officially confess to him, seeing as how neither of them had actually done so in the months they’d been seeing each other. They had so easily fallen into a very coupleish routine that it just went without saying that they were together.

It was almost 7:30 by the time Soonyoung finally made it up to the roof to meet Chan. He noticed that the young dancer seemed to be cold, the cool chill of fall slowly starting to creep into their summer nights. Soonyoung quietly made his way over to Chan, wrapping him in a back hug once he was close enough.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, Chan-ah,” Soonyoung mumbled into Chan’s neck. He whined when Chan ducked out of the hug and moved out of arm's reach but when he noticed the somber look on Chan’s face, his playful pouting morphed into concern.

“Chan, what’s wrong?”

Chan stayed quiet for a second before sighing.

“Hyung,” he started slowly. “There’s something that I need to tell you.”

Soonyoung visibly relaxed some at that, maybe this wasn’t going to be as bad as he thought it was going to be.

“Chan-ah, it’s okay. I think I know what you’re going to sa-”

“It’s about Jihoon hyung.”

Chan’s words abruptly cut off what Soonyoung had been saying and thinking. His blood ran cold at the thought of Jihoon again after all these months. He wondered what there was about his ex that Chan would need to tell him. He didn’t even know that Chan knew who Jihoon was, other than from conversations they’d had about their pasts. Had Mingyu or Jeonghan said something to him?

“W-what? What about Jihoon?”

Chan looked hesitant but Soonyoung was slowly starting to lose his patience and sanity.

“Chan, just tell me. Please?”

Chan kicked at a rock and Soonyoung could tell that the younger was struggling but he couldn’t help but snap.

“Chan, please!”

“We’re related!”

They both blurted out at the same time. Soonyoung froze. Maybe he hadn’t heard him correctly because he yelled at the same time.

“Wait, what?”

Chan sighed.

“We’re related, hyung. Jihoonie hyung and I.”

Soonyoung just blinked. Chan and Jihoon were related? Why had he never known this? He and Jihoon had known each other for the better part of ten years and were together for nearly six of those years and not once had he ever even seen Chan, much less heard Jihoon speak of him. And Chan? Chan had worked at the studio with him for the last almost two years and he had still been with Jihoon for some of that time and had even visited Soonyoung at the studio before. How had he  _ never _ known this before now? But now the more he thought about it, he realized that the two shared a surname. Oh God. Was Chan his younger brother? Soonyoung knew that Jihoon’s parents split when he was young and that his dad wasn’t around much. Was this why? Did Jihoon even know that Chan was his brother? Soonyoung’s thoughts were slowly starting to get away from him when Chan spoke up again.

“Soonyoung hyung?”

“Related how, Chan-ah?”

“Cousins. We’re cousins.”

Oh. That was much better than what Soonyoung thought Chan was going to tell him. But he still didn’t understand why he was only now finding out about it.

“We aren’t close though. Like at all. When Jihoonie hyung found out why his dad left when he was younger, he cut off all ties with that side of his family. But I’m sure you already knew about that.”

Soonyoung just nodded. He remembered how pissed Jihoon was when his dad turned up out of the blue their second year of university to try and build back a relationship with him only to tell him that the reason he’d left Jihoon and his mom when he was younger was because he had another family and that he had a younger brother that he wanted Jihoon to meet. Needless to say, to this day Jihoon still referred to himself as an only child. Soonyoung couldn’t entirely blame him for feeling that way.

“But he knows who you are? He knew it was you when we were still together and he’d come up here to see me?”

Chan just nodded.

He could see the vulnerability in Chan’s face. He looked impossibly young. And Soonyoung decided right then that he never wanted to see that kind of hurt on Chan’s face ever again. He sighed for a moment, mulling over what to say in his before taking one of Chan’s hands in his own and smiling at the younger.

“It’s okay, Chan-ah. I mean, I wish I would have known before now, but I understand why you didn’t say anything and why Jihoon never did when we were still together. Were you afraid that I wouldn’t want to still be with you because of this?”

Chan finally made eye contact with him again and just nodded. Soonyoung gently grabbed him by the chin to meet his gaze.

“Chan, it’s okay. It’s not like you’re his long lost brother that he hates or that you guys are even that close. Honestly, I don’t care what he thinks about it or what he will think about it if he ever finds out. You being related to him doesn’t change how I feel about you or change anything that happened between Jihoon and me.”

Soonyoung could tell that the younger was still unsure of how to proceed, smile still not quite reaching his eyes and he hated it. He hated seeing Chan feel like this. So he did the one thing that he hoped would bring back his favorite smile. Soonyoung leaned in and placed the softest kiss on Chan’s lips.

“I like you, Chan. A lot, in case you hadn’t noticed. And whatever past we each have with Jihoon, doesn’t matter to me. It’s in the past. He’s in the past. But you and I? This is our now. And hopefully, our future too?”

Soonyoung couldn’t help but notice the blush spreading across Chan’s face as his smile finally reached his eyes before he leaned back in to kiss Soonyoung.

“I like you too, hyung.”

Soonyoung just beamed at the younger. 

“Let’s get outta here then, yeah? I owe you a proper date now that we’ve officially confessed to each other.”

Chan just laughed for a second before grabbing Soonyoung by the hand and heading towards the door.

“You’re so cheesy, hyung.”

Soonyoung laced their fingers together and kissed Chan one more time before heading back inside to lock up and head out. He decided right then that kissing Chan might just be his new favorite thing and he honestly couldn’t wait to kiss him more. And suddenly the past that he had shared with Jihoon seemed like a distant memory. The future he now wanted was with Chan and for the first time in over a year, he was happy.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi! sorry for the long wait for this update! holidays and work make ya girl tired all the time haha. i hope that this long update makes up for the wait tho! i promise to not make you guys wait so long next time! enjoy!
> 
> come hang out with me and my sister on IG @minjiandmo

Soonyoung wasn’t quite sure how’d he’d lucked into loving someone like Chan, but he thanked whoever in the universe was responsible for it happening. The younger dancer had such a bright impact on him, that even his friends were starting to notice. Soonyoung was on his way out to meet Mingyu and Wonwoo for dinner and he was sure that Jeonghan would find his way there too. He wondered, and briefly hoped, that if Jeonghan did join them, he would be joining them alone. Not that Soonyoung had an issue with Seungcheol. He really didn’t. But he’d be lying if he said that things between the two of them hadn’t been at least a little strained and awkward since his split with Jihoon and even more so since he’d begun dating Chan. But he loved Jeonghan, so if the elder brought his fiance with him to dinner, he’d be polite.

  
He made his way to the restaurant and saw that the three of them were already seated and grilling some meat. Perfect timing he thought to himself as he made his way over to them. He dramatically plopped down next to Mingyu, startling the poor boy as he took a bite of his rice.

“Hyunnnnng,” Mingyu whined. “You can’t sneak up on people when they’re eating! What if I had choked?”

Soonyoung just laughed as Wonwoo rolled his eyes at how dramatic his boyfriend was before turning to Soonyoung and pointing at him with his chopsticks.

“You’ve rubbed off on him too much, Soon-ah. I don’t like it.”

Soonyoung just waved the slightly younger boy away as he started eating his rice.

“I know for a fact that that’s a lie Jeon Wonwoo. Mingyu tells me everything.”

Jeonghan can’t help but let out a chuckle at that before turning his attention back to Soonyoung.

“Where’s Channie tonight, Soon?”

“Late dance class tonight,” he answered between mouthfuls of rice. “Where’s Cheol hyung at?”

Something that looked too much like panic for Soonyoung’s liking was all over Jeonghan’s face and he didn’t like it at all.

“He’s uh, out with some friends tonight. We opted for separate plans tonight.”

Soonyoung narrowed his eyes at Jeonghan before looking at Wonwoo and Mingyu and then it dawned on him. He let out the loudest laugh before grabbing a piece of meat off the grill and stuffing it in his mouth.

“So what you’re desperately trying to not say is that he’s out with Jihoon tonight, right? Guys, you know that I won’t like break down sobbing if you mention his name right? I know that you guys still talk to him from time to time. It’s not a big deal.”

“But what about Chan?” Jeonghan asks.

“What about him?” 

“Well, he’s related to Jihoon, right?”

“Yeah, and?

“And? You don’t think that Jihoon is going to lose his shit when he finds out?”

Soonyoung places his rice bowl down with a little more force than he’d intended.

“And why the hell would I care if he does or not?”

“Yah, I’m still your hyung, you brat. I don’t know, Soon, isn’t it at least a little weird?”

Soonyoung rolls his eyes. 

“No? Why would it be? Chan and I have already talked at length about this. Yeah, I was a little taken aback when he first told me, but it’s not like the two of them are close. I mean, Jihoon never even acknowledged him as family the few times that we ran into Chan at the dance studio when we were still together. Clearly, neither one of them are keen on the idea of having anything to do with each other. So I’m not sure why I’m supposed to suddenly care what Jihoon is going to think about me and Chan being together?”

“Because I might have told Cheol that I was having dinner with Wonwoo and Mingyu and you and Chan tonight. I just figured he was joining us.”

Soonyoung was beyond confused at this point.

“Okay, and? Is Cheol hyung going to be mad at you because you told him Chan would be here and he’s not? I can always have Chan meet up with us when he’s done. I’m sure he’d be down to. He really likes you guys.”

“No, it’s not that.”

Soonyoung was starting to get irritated. Was there a point that Jeonghan was trying to make?

“Just spit it out hyung. You’re being really vague and it’s honestly a little annoying.”

“Cheol told Jihoon that we’d both be coming over tonight. So when Cheol shows up and I’m not with him, Jihoon is obviously going to ask and we all know that he won’t lie to Jihoon. That’s his best friend.”

“Hyung,” Mingyu interjected. “Not to gang up on you, but Soonyoung hyung is right, you’re being really vague. Just get to the point already.”

Once again, Soonyoung was thankful for his best friend. Jeonghan sighed before continuing.

“I don’t think that Jihoon knows that you’ve moved on and are dating again. Especially not someone in his family.”

Soonyoung just blinked for a second. And then laughed. He laughed louder than he had in what felt like months. And he absolutely could not help the smirk that crept up on his face.

“Wait wait wait. So you’re telling me that Chan and I have been together for months now and Jihoon has no idea? Not even that I was with someone, let alone someone he happens to be related to?”

Jeonghan just nodded and Soonyoung laughed more.

“And so that means you’re also telling me that your fiance is the one that gets to break that news to him after he’s known for months as well?”

Jeonghan nods again but with a prominent pout on his face now and Soonyoung honestly thinks he might have an accident on himself if he doesn’t calm down.

“Oh hyung, Jihoon is the LAST person I feel sorry for in this situation,” he said in between laughs. “If anything I feel bad for you and Seungcheol hyung because he’s going to have to deal with whatever meltdown Jihoon has and you’re the one that’s going to have to deal with that when he gets home tonight.”

Soonyoung finally settles down and an awkward air falls on their table. Mingyu keeps looking at him like he’s a crazy person and he can’t tell what Wonwoo is thinking. It comes across somewhere in between annoyance at Soonyoung’s outburst and irritation. He’s also still friends with Jihoon and there’s definitely the possibility that Jihoon could take this out on him as well. And Jeonghan, poor Jeonghan looks like he wants to strangle him and he has to fight the giggles that keep trying to break out of his mouth.

“Hyung,” he tried, a little more composed this time. “I think it’s sweet that you were worried about that, but really, none of you need to worry about me when it comes to Jihoon anymore. I wish him as well as one could after what he did, but I don’t care anymore about what he’s doing or what he thinks about what I’m doing.”

There was a finality in his words that quickly allowed for the subject to be dropped as the group continued with their dinner. They found themselves quickly falling into their usual conversations and banter and Soonyoung honestly couldn’t remember the last time he’d had as much fun with his friends as he was then. He knew that the last year had been a rough one for all of them. No one ever quite knew how to handle what was going on between Soonyoung and Jihoon and then when the split happened, things got even more difficult to navigate for the group of friends. But Soonyoung could finally see that things were starting to settle back into a sense of normalcy and he honestly couldn’t be happier.

When Soonyoung finally made it home that night, he pulled out his phone to charge it and saw where Chan had texted him a few times telling him to be safe while still out and letting him know that he’d made it home after his dance class before telling him goodnight. Soonyoung just smiled and sent a quick text back to Chan letting him know that he too had made it home and that he would call him in the morning. He sat his phone on his nightstand before changing into something less restrictive to sleep in when he heard his phone buzz. He was surprised that Chan was still awake to reply to him and couldn’t help to pause changing clothes to grab his phone to see what Chan had said back to him. 

When he picked up his phone, he was sure that all the color had drained from his face at what he was reading. He stared at it for a moment before reading it again.

  
  


**Lee Jihoon:** Soonyoung-ah, it’s Jihoon. I know that it’s late, but if you’re still up and willing, I need to talk to you. I’ll be at my studio for another hour if you decide you want to.

  
  


Soonyoung was certain that he was going to lose his mind. Or that Jihoon had lost his. He was absolutely certain now that Seungcheol had indeed told Jihoon that he was dating Chan now. Why else would Jihoon be texting him at almost 2:00 in the morning? He figured that Seungcheol must have text Jihoon once he got home, letting him know that he’d made it and probably said something about Jeonghan also being back home. They had all made it a habit to text each other when they got home. Since some of them lived a little farther than others, they all liked knowing that they’d all made it home safe. Soonyoung figured that if Jihoon knew that Jeonghan had made it home and that the elder had been with him that night, he figured that Soonyoung was also home, or close to it.

Soonyoung wanted to scream. Who did Jihoon think he was asking to speak to him in the middle of the night after almost a year of being separated? Fuck that. The time for talking was months ago. He held onto those words because of Jeonghan. The elder had pleaded with him for months to stop worrying about what Jihoon was thinking about him because of how much the abrupt ending had crushed his spirit and that he deserved so much more than that. But Soonyoung had also sobbed for this moment for months. And he knew that now, especially now, he could have the upper hand.

So against what was probably his better judgment, and definitely Jeonghan’s, he toed his shoes on after changing into a pair of joggers and headed to Jihoon’s studio. He didn’t bother letting the younger know that he was on his way. His message wasn’t one that needed a response in the form of a text. He knew that if he didn’t decide to go, that would be enough of a response for Jihoon.

He cursed himself for the muscle memory of walking to that damn studio. He hadn’t been there in well over a year but yet his feet took him there with almost no effort. It was a short walk from his apartment and before he was even fully aware of it, he was in the elevator heading up to the fourth floor. The bold attitude he’d had when he walked out of his apartment had quickly dissipated when he found himself standing in front of that door again. The last time he had been inside was when they were still together. He could hear a soft piano tune coming from the room and briefly recalled all the silly tunes and dances they would make up when Jihoon simply couldn’t focus on what he was supposed to be working on. Suddenly a lump was forming in Soonyoung’s throat at the thought of the happiness that they used to share inside that room and he regretted that he chose to meet up with Jihoon. 

He had quietly begun to pace back and forth in front of the door debating on whether to just be a man and knock on the door or bolt for the elevator and go back home. He didn’t even notice that the music inside the room had stopped as he went to knock on the door, only for it to open before he made contact with it, coming face to face with Jihoon for the first time since they’d split.

Soonyoung stood there for a moment with his fist still raised, mouth gaping like a hooked fish before Jihoon cleared his throat to break the silence. Soonyoung almost wished that he hadn’t because neither one spoke up after that either. He sighed as he dragged his hand down his face, his exhaustion at the situation clearly showing when Jihoon finally spoke up.

“You came.”

Soonyoung couldn’t quite read the expression on his face and just opted to nod instead.

“I did.”

Jihoon didn’t say anything else, just moved to the side and opened the door wider for Soonyoung to walk in if he wanted to.

Soonyoung walked in and couldn’t miss the surprised look on Jihoon’s face as he did, and if he was being completely honest with himself, he was just as surprised as Jihoon was. But the quicker they got this conversation over with, the quicker that Soonyoung could finally and fully close this chapter. He deserved some closure. And if Jihoon was willing to finally give that to him after almost a year, then he owed it to himself and to the future he was trying to have with Chan to take it.

Chan. Oh god, Soonyoung thought as he sat down. How would he explain this to Chan? Should he even explain it to him? Before his thoughts could get too far from him, Jihoon once again cleared his throat and Soonyoung flicked his eyes up to where he was still standing by the door.

“So,” Jihoon started. “You and Chan?”

Soonyoung cleared his throat to answer but was interrupted before he could say anything.

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

“And why exactly would it be a bad idea, Ji?”

Soonyoung was trying to keep his composure but there was also no way in hell that he was going to sit here and justify his choices to his ex. Jihoon just sighed at his response and Soonyoung fought the urge to roll his eyes.

“You know why, Soonyoung.”

“I don’t. So why don’t you explain it to me?”

Before Jihoon could even open his mouth to begin talking, Soonyoung felt the last of his patience leave his body and opened his mouth again.

“Please, Jihoon, explain to me, your ex, that you walked out on almost a year ago, why it’s such a bad idea that Chan and I are together? Or are you just pissed that I’ve finally found happiness and it’s not with you?”

“I’m not.”

“Then why am I here? What could you possibly need to speak about after all this time in the middle of the night?”

Jihoon looked like he was on the verge of either completely losing it on Soonyoung or just having a full-on breakdown. Soonyoung wasn’t quite sure which it was but if he was being honest with himself, he couldn’t really find it in him to care at the moment.

“You know that Chan and I have a complicated relationship, Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung scoffed.

“Complicated relationship? More like no relationship. Jihoon, I had no idea that the two of you were even related when Chan and I first started hanging out. I had to find that out from him and he was so terrified to tell me. But you? You knew that he worked at the dance studio with me when we were still together and you still made no effort in telling me that you guys were related?”

“You know how I feel about that side of my family.”

“I know, Ji. That’s why I don’t understand this sudden concern you have about it. In all the time you and I have known each other, you’ve never even talked about your dad’s side of the family. And I get why I really do. But if it wasn’t important enough for you to acknowledge Chan when you and I were still together, then why is it so important now?”

Before Jihoon could answer, Soonyoung felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He fished it out and saw that it was Chan calling him. He held a finger up to Jihoon as he answered.

“Chan? Baby, is everything okay? Okay, okay calm down, I’ll be right there, okay? Okay, I’ll see you in a few minutes. Love you too.”

Soonyoung couldn’t help but notice the hurt that briefly flashed across Jihoon’s face as he stuffed his phone back in his pocket. But he couldn’t dwell on that right now. Right now, Chan needed him and he needed to get out of there.

“I have to go. Chan needs me.”

“Is he alright?”

Soonyoung was slightly surprised at the sincerity in Jihoon’s voice. And truth be told, he didn’t really want to get into what was going on. He wasn’t sure what Jihoon’s reaction would be. But maybe against his better judgment, he decided to tell the younger.

“No, not really. His dad passed away tonight.”

Soonyoung watched as all the color drained from Jihoon’s face and felt his heart twinge a bit at the sight of it. He definitely didn’t expect to see him so effected by his uncle’s death.

“Ji?” Soonyoung called out. “You okay?”

Jihoon just nodded and Soonyoung sighed.

“I’m sorry that I was the one to tell you,” Soonyoung apologized as he headed to the door before stopping.

“Look, I know that it’s totally not my place to say this and you can absolutely tell me to fuck off, because I know how strained things are for you with that part of your family, but it’s still your family and I’m sure your grandma would really appreciate hearing from you. Chan tells me often that she asks about you.”

Jihoon just stared blankly at him.

“Just think about it, okay?”

Jihoon nodded and Soonyoung nodded back. He couldn’t focus any longer on Jihoon and how he would or wouldn’t deal with this, knowing that likely the younger would opt to not deal with it and carry on with his life the same way he had been. Chan needed him.

“See you around, Ji,” Soonyoung offered as he opened the door.

“Yeah, see you around Soon.”

Soonyoung sighed and headed towards the elevator. He was definitely surprised at Jihoon’s reaction to the news, but chose to not dwell on it anymore as he made his way outside and started in the direction of Chan’s shared apartment. He was definitely glad that Chan wasn’t alone when he found out, but if he was being honest, he had absolutely no idea what to say to his boyfriend. He hadn’t yet lost anyone in his family that he was close to. He just hoped that simply being there with Chan would be enough for the younger to know that he wasn’t going to let him go through this alone.

* * *

  
  
  


It was a shorter walk to Chan’s apartment from Jihoon’s studio than it was from his apartment and Soonyoung was glad for that. The sooner that he was able to get to Chan, the better he was going to feel. He quietly knocked on the door, not wanting to disturb any neighbors since it was nearing 3:00 in the morning. Seungkwan opened the door and let out a sigh of relief when they met eyes.

“Soonyoung hyung, I’m so glad you were able to get here so quickly.”

Soonyoung just smiled as he was pulled into a hug and quickly toed off his shoes and let Seungkwan guide him into the apartment.

“How is he?”

Before Seungkwan could answer, they both froze at the sound of a loud sob coming from Chan’s room. Soonyoung squeezed Seungkwan’s shoulder before quickly making his way to his boyfriend's room.

He knocked lightly before opening the door and poking his head inside.

“Chan? Chan, it’s Soonyoungie hyung. Baby, I’m here.”

“H-hyung?” Soonyoung’s heart broke at the sound of Chan calling out to him. He entered the room and shut the door behind him and finally spotted Chan curled up into himself beside his bed. He wasted no time getting to Chan and wrapping him up in his arms as the younger sobbed into his chest.

“Shh, Chan-ah, breathe baby, you have to breathe for me, okay?”

It was hard to hold back his own tears at the sight unfolding in front of him, but Soonyoung was determined to be Chan’s strength at that moment.

“I-i thought he h-had more t-time, hyung. H-he never t-told me that he w-was this s-sick. H-hyung, why didn’t he t-tell me? I would have d-dropped everything to g-go h-home and b-be with him,” Chan choked out between sobs and Soonyoung’s heart broke at every word.

“Shh, baby. Take a deep breath for hyung, yeah?” Soonyoung felt Chan nod against his chest and take a large breath before relaxing more into his chest. “I never had the chance to meet your dad in person, but the way you always talked about him and the way your eyes would light up when you did or when you were on the phone with him, I know that he was a great man. And I see how kind and patient and lovely you are and I just know that you were raised so well and by wonderful people.”

Soonyoung wrapped his arms tighter around Chan as he continued to rock them back and forth.

“I have no doubt that your dad knew that you would have dropped everything and gone back home for him, but I also know that he wouldn’t have wanted you to. He would have wanted you to continue to live your dreams and build a life that you would be proud of. And that’s what you’ve done, baby. Look at this beautiful life we have.”

He could feel Chan squirm in his hold so that he could face him and as much as Soonyoung wanted to continue to hold him, he let the younger pull back to continue talking.

“But I need him to know how much I loved him, hyung,” Chan spoke before falling forward into Soonyoung’s chest, sobs taking over his body once again.

“Oh baby, shh, he knew, okay? I promise he knew and still knows.” Soonyoung held onto Chan as if they were each other’s lifelines, and in some ways, Soonyoung knew that he was now Chan’s.

Before Soonyoung realized, he could hear soft snores coming from Chan and panicked slightly at how to get the younger up and into his bed without waking him. As if the universe knew what he needed at that moment, Hansol poked his head in to check on his younger roommate. Soonyoung smiled softly at him as he made his way over to the floor next to them.

“Kwannie and I noticed that it had gotten quiet in here, so I thought I’d come and check on you guys? Is Chan okay? Are you?”

Soonyoung had never been more thankful for the other people in Chan’s life. He patted Hansol on the leg before adjusting how he and Chan were seated.

“I’m so glad that he has both of you, Sollie. Really. I think it’s still hitting him that his dad is gone, you know? And I’m okay. It’s just hard seeing him like this and knowing that there isn’t anything that I can do to make it better for him.”

“Just you being here is enough for him, hyung. Kwannie and I haven’t ever seen him this happy before.”

Soonyoung smiled again at Hansol before groaning.

“Do you think you could help me get Chan up and into bed? My legs are killing me from sitting like this for so long.”

They both chuckled before Hansol squatted in front of a still sleeping Chan and maneuvered him out of Soonyoung’s arms and placed him gently on his bed. Soonyoung felt his knees crack as he finally stood up and grabbed the duvet from the foot of Chan’s bed and covered him and placed a light kiss on his forehead.

“Sleep well, Chan-ah. I’m going to step out and talk with Hansol and Seungkwan for a bit, but hyung will be back, I promise.”

He followed Hansol into the living room, pausing to click the lights off in Chan’s room and pulling the door to some before flopping down next to Seungkwan on the couch. He let himself sink into the cushions, his body enjoying the feeling of softness rather than the hard floor he’d been sitting on for the last however long. 

“Hyung, you look exhausted. You sure you’re okay?” Seungkwan asked, concern lacing his tone.

“I’m fine, Seungkwan-ah. I was still out when Chan called me and I had classes all day, so I’m a little tired that’s all.”

Seungkwan nodded but Soonyoung couldn’t help but notice the look on Hansol’s face. Before he could ask the younger if he was okay, Hansol spoke up.

“But weren’t you out with Mingyu hyung tonight, hyung?”

Soonyoung just nodded.

“But him and Wonwoo hyung got home like over an hour ago?”

Shit. Soonyoung never took into account that they all knew each other in some way and that they all had different little separate groups that they would often spend time together in. Soonyoung figured that Hansol could see the strange look on his face and that’s why he immediately started backtracking and apologizing for being nosy.

“I’m sorry hyung, it’s none of my business what you were doing. That was rude of me to bring it up.

Soonyoung waved him off before he took a deep breath. They were likely going to find out anyway from Chan, so he might as well just go ahead and tell them himself.

“No no, Hansol, it’s okay. I was going to talk to Chan about this anyway, but when he called and told me about his dad, it suddenly didn’t seem like the right time to bring it up.”

Hansol and Seungkwan exchanged glances before looking back at Soonyoung to continue.

“I was with Jihoon when Chan called. BUT! It’s not whatever you might think it was.”

“What would we think it was, hyung,” Seungkwan deadpanned.

Soonyoung gulped. He’d heard plenty about the freezeouts that Seungkwan could give to friends when he was pissed at them, and now certainly wasn’t the time for him to find himself on the receiving end of one. He quickly pulled his phone out to open up his message thread with Chan and the message that Jihoon had sent him.

“Look, right here you can see that I did in fact go home. Look at the time that I text Chan back letting him know.” Soonyoung angled his phone so that they both could see it and see the timestamp, 1:57 AM. 

“And if you look right here, you can see what time it was that Jihoon texted me asking me if we could talk. I thought that it was Chan texting me back.” He once again angled his phone to show them the timestamp, 2:04 AM.

The two boys continued to eye Soonyoung cautiously and Soonyoung willed himself to relax so that he could properly explain the situation in a way that didn’t come across as him trying to cover something up.

“Listen, I know how this could look. But I love Chan, okay? And I would never do anything to hurt him. Especially not like that.”

“Then why did you go meet with him this late?” Hansol was asking honestly and Soonyoung was thankful that he had a more rational approach than Seungkwan seemed to have.

“You guys know what happened between Jihoon and me right? And that he and Chan are related?”

They both nodded.

“Well, Jihoon just found out tonight that I’d started seeing someone and that it was Chan. So when he text me asking to talk, I knew that’s what it was going to be about. But I was also hoping that I would finally be able to get some kind of closure after the way things ended between us. But all we did was argue about me and Chan dating before Chan called me about his dad. So I told Jihoon that I had to go because Chan needed me and then headed straight here. That’s all guys, I promise.”

“Did you tell him about Chan’s dad? That’s his uncle, right?”

“Yeah, I told him,” Soonyoung said while nodding. “It was strange though because he was way more affected by it than I figured he would have been. I mean, he’s literally had nothing to do with that side of his family for years. Hell, you guys know that though. I didn’t even know that Chan was even related to him until he told me a few months ago and I’ve known Jihoon for almost six years and dated him for five of those six years.”

Silence settled on the apartment before Hansol spoke up again.

“I don’t necessarily like that you decided to meet him so late hyung, but it’s really none of my business. And I trust you. We both trust you,” Hansol said as he nudged Seungkwan, who still looked like he wanted to rip Soonyoung’s head off.

“Y-yeah,” Seungkwan stuttered before collecting himself better. “I mean, yes, I agree with Hansol. I don’t like it, but you’ve never done anything for us or Chan to not trust you, so I trust you when you say that that’s all that happened.”

Soonyoung sighed in relief and nodded before Seungkwan spoke up again.

“But if you ever hurt him hyung, I will hurt you worse than you thought Jihoon did. Especially now that Chan is dealing with the loss of his dad. He needs you right now more than ever hyung, so please, don’t fuck it up.”

Soonyoung just nodded again knowing that Seungkwan meant every word he said.

“We should head to bed, Kwannie. It’s late and it’s been a long night already. Channie is going to need us when he wakes up in the morning,” Hansol spoke softly before standing up and grabbing Seungkwan’s hand and leading him to their shared bedroom. “Goodnight hyung. Please wake us up if Chan needs us, okay?”

Soonyoung smiled and nodded once more at the couple before wishing them both a good night, or morning in this case, and made his way back to Chan’s room. He was thankful that a little sliver of moonlight was peeking through Chan’s curtains so that he could find his way to the bed without tripping and waking him up. He pulled his shirt off and was thankful that he had decided to change out of his jeans before leaving to meet up with Jihoon before quietly slipping underneath the duvet and pulling Chan close to him.

He felt the younger stir a bit before finally settling his head under Soonyoung’s chin and draping his arm across him. Soonyoung tightened the grip on his boyfriend as he pulled the duvet up over them and pressed a kiss to Chan’s temple. His eyes were heavy from the long day he’d had and the even longer night that he’d ended up having. He sighed before letting sleep fully overtake him, hoping that when they woke up in a few hours he would find the right words to say so that Chan would know that he wouldn’t have to face any of this on his own.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi wow so sorry for the insane delay on this lol. at one point i had decided to wait until i was completely finished with this story before i posted anything else for it but i'm not even to the halfway point of what i have planned out for this story, soooooo i decided to go ahead and get some more chapters up here!
> 
> this chapter is kind of a combination of two chapters? the first bit of it honestly could have gone at the end of chapter three and i'm not entirely sure why i didn't include it from the get go but here we are lol. please enjoy! i'd love to hear feedback from you guys, so don't be shy about leaving comments!

Soonyoung stirred awake when ignoring the sunlight coming through Chan’s curtains became impossible. He reached over a still sleeping Chan to grab his phone to check the time and saw that it was only 7:30. He groaned at how early it was considering how late it was when he finally went to bed but already knew that he would be unable to fall back asleep. So Soonyoung gently replaced his body with a pillow for Chan to hold on to and quietly made his way to the kitchen to make coffee for everyone. He knew that they’d all need the energy today.

He expected Chan to stay in bed for a good while longer and was quietly humming to himself as he waited for the coffee to brew. He started to dig through the boys’ fridge to see if there was anything he could fix them all for breakfast when he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist as he stood back up.

“Mornin’ hyung,” Chan mumbled into Soonyoung’s back.

Soonyoung turned so that he could face him and pulled the younger into his chest.

“I figured you would have slept a little longer?”

“Got cold without you next to me.”

Soonyoung cooed as he rocked them back and forth for a bit before pulling back to get a proper look at Chan. His eyes were still red looking and puffy. He hated that Chan was going through something as horrible as this.

“How are you doing this morning?”

Chan just hummed.

“Is there anything I can help with?”

“Just being here with me is enough, hyung.”

Soonyoung pulled Chan back into his arms for a second before pulling away to pour them both a cup of coffee and heading over to the couch. He handed Chan his mug before taking a sip of his own and setting the mug down on the side table.

“Chan, there’s something that I need to tell you.”

Chan just nodded at him.

Soonyoung went to open his mouth but was cut off by Chan.

“Is this about Jihoonie hyung?”

Soonyoung blanched and was suddenly rendered speechless at the simple question. 

Chan just chuckled before continuing on.

“I woke up last night to go pee when I heard you telling Kwannie hyung and Sollie hyung. I knew that you were telling the truth when Kwannie only threatened you if you ever hurt me instead of forcing you to tell me right then.”

“Are you mad at me? For going to see him?”

Chan just shook his head and grabbed Soonyoung’s hand.

“No, hyung, I’m not mad. I understand why you went. I can’t say that I wouldn’t have done the same thing if the situation was reversed.”

They sat in silence for a moment before Chan spoke up again.

“Did you get what you hoped you would from it?”

It was Soonyoung’s turn to chuckle as he pulled Chan closer.

“Not even close. All we did was argue about you and me dating before you called me about your dad.”

“Did you tell him? About my dad?”

“I did.”

Soonyoung couldn’t tell if he felt Chan tense up beside him or not but opted to not say anything about it.

“How’d he take it?”

“Not well, which surprised me. I mean, I know why things are the way they are with him and your side of his family, so to see him so upset by the news was definitely not what I was expecting.”

Chan just hummed in response again.

“I guess I kinda get it,” Chan said after a while. Soonyoung just nodded to let him know he was still listening to him and for him to continue on. “My dad used to tell me that him and Jihoonie hyung were really close before his dad left. I never met my uncle, but my dad always told me that he was a good guy that just found himself in a situation he couldn’t get out of and needed to leave to protect him and his mom. Maybe all those memories of when he was still close with my dad came back? Maybe he’ll come to the memorial. I know our grandma would really love to see him again.”

“Jihoon never told me a lot about your side of his family, but if he was close to your dad before everything else happened, then maybe you’re right about that being why he was so upset. I told him before I left that he should consider getting touch with his grandma but I doubt he will.”

They settled into a comfortable silence for a while before Chan headed to go take a shower to get ready for the day. Soonyoung blinked up at him when he offered his hand out to him.

“Shower with me? Please? I don’t want to be alone right now.”

Soonyoung smiled and let Chan pull him up and to his ensuite bathroom. Soonyoung turned the water on almost as hot as it could go, knowing that Chan enjoyed taking very hot showers. They both silently stripped out of their clothes and stepped into the shower. This wasn’t their first time showering together, but there was something strangely more intimate about this one. Maybe it was the heaviness of what Chan was facing outside the comfort of their little bubble, but all Soonyoung wanted to do was protect the boy in front of him.

They took turns washing each other’s hair and found contentment in just letting the water rain down on them. Chan wrapped his arms around Soonyoung’s waist and started to trail feather like kisses up across his collarbones and Soonyoung would be a liar if he said that it wasn’t affecting him, but he also knew that Chan was beyond vulnerable right now and would never take advantage of that. He lightly pushed Chan back so that they could look at each other and he almost wished he hadn’t when he saw the tears shining in Chan’s eyes.

“Hyung, please,” Chan whispered. “Please, I need to feel something other than what I am right now. Please let me feel something good, hyung, please.”

Soonyoung’s heart broke at each word Chan spoke into his chest and was determined to relieve some of the hurt that he was feeling. He pushed Chan up off his chest again and cupped his face and thumbed away the tears that were clinging to his eyelashes.

“Shh baby, I’m right here. Hyung is here. I’ve got you, okay?”

Chan just nodded before Soonyoung leaned in and connected their lips. It was slow at first, just their lips moving in sync together, Soonyoung wrapping an arm around Chan’s waist as the younger tangled his hands into Soonyoung’s hair. Soonyoung knew that there was a fine line that he had to stay mindful of because Chan wouldn’t, not right now, and he didn’t want to do anything to further overwhelm him, but he also knew that Chan was begging to be taken apart in a way that he could be put back together and really who was Soonyoung to deny him that?

* * *

The next few days went by in what felt like a blur for Soonyoung. He had temporarily taken over some of Chan’s dance classes and the ones that he didn’t have time for, he handed out to some of the other choreographers that worked with them. And if he wasn’t at the dance studio, he was with Chan helping him get ready for their trip to Iksan for his dad’s funeral. 

“Hyungs, you really don’t have to make the drive for this,” Chan called out to Seungkwan and Hansol who had both announced they’d taken the day off to go with them.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Channie. You may drive me ass crazy 99.9% of the time, but I’m still your hyung and I do love you. I wouldn’t be a very good hyung or roommate if I didn’t go,” came Seungkwan’s answer. 

Soonyoung again was reminded how thankful he was for Chan’s roommates.

“Hyung?” Chan called out, causing all three of them to turn and look at him. “Sorry, I mean Soonie hyung.”

Soonyoung couldn’t help but notice the blush on Chan’s face. He made his way over to Chan as Seungkwan and Hansol padded down the hallway to their room to finish getting ready. Chan grabbed his hand, pulling him down onto the couch with him. Soonyoung wrapped a protective arm around him.

“Do you think he’ll come? Jihoon hyung?”

Soonyoung was slightly caught off guard by the question but not surprised that this had been something the younger had been thinking about.

“I don’t know Chan-ah, I really don’t. Have you heard from him at all since you reached out to him and told him when and where it was at?”

Chan just shook his head against Soonyoung’s shoulder. It was a beyond fair statement to say that Soonyoung absolutely knew Jihoon better than Chan did. And while he knew his ex to be the type to not always respond to people, if it was something important like this, Jihoon would never not answer. So the fact that it had been a little over a week since Chan had reached out to him about it and Jihoon still hadn’t answered him, Soonyoung knew that the chances of him taking the time to make the almost three hour drive to Iksan for his uncle’s funeral was highly unlikely.

Before he could let Chan dwell on it for longer than he needed to, he looked at the time and realized that if they wanted to get to Chan’s mom’s house before it got too late, they should leave soon.

“Come on, up you go. If we want to get there before it’s too late, we should go. You go get Kwannie and Sollie and I’ll take our stuff to my car, yeah?”

Chan nodded and made his way down the hallway to fetch his roommates as Soonyoung headed to his car, the others joining a few minutes later. Soonyoung had Chan put the address into his phone’s GPS just in case the younger fell asleep, like he had a habit of doing if in a car for longer than an hour. They had barely made it out of the city when Soonyoung heard soft snores coming from not only the seat next to him, but the backseat as well. The last few days had been rough on all of them and it came to no surprise to him that they’d all fallen asleep.

Truth be told, Soonyoung was exhausted too. The number of different roles he’d taken on in just a short amount of time was enough to wear anyone out. Between the extra classes he’d taken over teaching for and fielding questions left and right from both Mingyu and Jeonghan about whether or not Jihoon would show up at the funeral and what he thought would happen if he did and attempting to reach out to Jihoon himself, he was honestly surprised that he was able to stay awake to make the drive. 

When they finally arrived at Chan's mother’s house, he gently nudged Chan awake to let him know.

“Chan-ah, wake up. We’re here, baby.”

Chan slowly stirred along with Seungkwan and Hansol in the back. It was just shortly after 6pm, a little later than what Soonyoung remembers Chan telling his mom that morning, which had the younger slightly anxious. Soonyoung just grabbed his hand as they made their way to the door, Seungkwan and Hansol right behind them.

It didn’t take long after Chan had knocked for his mom to answer the door. Soonyoung let go of his hand to let the younger engulf his mom in a hug, both of them openly crying. He took a step back to join the others as they gave Chan a moment with her. Most days when Soonyoung looked at Chan, he didn’t see someone three years younger than him. He saw a beautiful young man that could dance circles around him most days and who could hold his own against his hyungs’ playful teasing. But seeing him being held by his mom like this, he was reminded that Chan was still young - they all were - and that in the worst moments, no matter how old you were, you were never too young to be held by your mom.

When Chan finally pulled back from his mom, he looked back to where Soonyoung was and Soonyoung didn’t hesitate to rejoin him.

“In you come, all of you! It’s getting chilly out here. Let’s get you settled in your rooms and then we’ll eat. Your halmoni has been cooking all day.”

They made their way inside and toed off their shoes waiting for instructions on where to go.

“Okay, Channie, you and Soonyoung-ah will take your old bedroom and Seungkwan-ah and Hansol-ah will take the guest bedroom right across the hall! Chan can show you where the bathroom and everything is. Now, up you go. Get your things settled in and wash up while I help your halmoni get things to the table.”

Soonyoung chuckled at how detailed Chan’s mom had made even the smallest things, finally seeing for himself where Chan got that habit from.

The four made quick work heading upstairs and freshening up a bit before making their way to the dining room. They were all equally excited for a home cooked meal for the first time in ages. Soonyoung could cook and he knew that Hansol could as well, so he never had to worry about Chan or Seungkwan starving, but nothing ever beat a home cooked meal by your grandma. Or anyone’s grandma for that matter.

“Halmoni! This is too much! You didn’t have to do all this.”

“Nonsense, Channie! It’s my job to feed you properly when you come home.”

They all laughed as they began to pass around plates and bowls full of food to pile up their own plates. Soonyoung honestly couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten this well. He could cook, but not like this.

Dinner had gone by so smoothly that Soonyoung almost forgot why they were all there until Chan’s grandma spoke up and asked the question that Soonyoung had desperately hoped she wouldn’t.

“Channie? Do you think that Jihoonie will come tomorrow? Have you spoken to him?”

Soonyoung looked over at Chan and felt his heart break at how tense the younger looked at just the mention of Jihoon. He rested his hand on the younger’s thigh as he let out a sigh.

“I’m not sure, halmoni. I don’t think so though. I reached out to him several times, but haven’t heard from him.”

Chan’s grandma just nodded and Soonyoung couldn’t quite decipher the look on her face. It was almost as if she knew something that they didn’t, but didn’t let himself dwell on it for too long. He honestly couldn’t believe that Jihoon was going to be that cold and not make an appearance, even if it was just to see his grandma. Soonyoung sat his napkin down and stood up, bowing as he did.

“I’ll be right back, Chan. I forgot that I got a text from Gyu earlier and it sounded pretty important, so I just want to check in with him.”

He placed a quick kiss on Chan’s cheek as everyone nodded while he made his way upstairs. He hated lying to them, but he couldn’t just openly say that he was going to call Jihoon and have to explain how they knew each other. He shut the door behind him and pulled up Jihoon’s contact in his phone and hit the call button.

“Answer your damn phone this time, Ji,” Soonyoung muttered as the line continued to ring. 

Voicemail.

Soonyoung ended the call, knowing that Jihoon wouldn’t take the time to listen to any voicemail left for him and opted to text him instead. He could still ignore a text, but Soonyoung knew that whether he ignored it or not, he’d read it and Soonyoung would know that he did.

**Kwon Soonyoung** : Ji. Listen, far be it from me to tell you what to do because we both know you’ll still end up doing what you want to do instead of ever taking someone else’s thoughts or feelings into consideration, but. I’m with Chan in Iksan for his dad’s funeral tomorrow. Your halmoni asked him about you, if you were coming or not. And Ji, I swear to god, I can’t handle Chan looking so broken up over how concerned your halmoni still is for you. I don’t give a damn if you don’t want to come to this or if you even come at all. But at least pick up a fucking phone and call your halmoni. I know you hate your dad for what he did to you and your mom, but that woman down there is still your halmoni and she misses you. Please, I know that you aren’t this cold.

Soonyoung hit the send button and honestly couldn’t believe that he’d sent a message like that to Jihoon. He honestly didn’t expect to hear from him but he knew that he couldn’t not try. Seeing Chan so torn up over it was something he didn’t want to see again. He was just about to make his way back downstairs to join the others when his phone buzzed. Once again he was left speechless as a result of Jihoon, because a response was not at all what he was expecting.

**Lee Jihoon** : I’m here.

**Lee Jihoon** : In Iksan, I mean.

**Kwon Soonyoung** : Wait, what? You’re here?

**Lee Jihoon** : Yes. 

**Lee Jihoon** : I’ll be there tomorrow.

**Kwon Soonyoung** : Your halmoni will be so glad to see you.

**Lee Jihoon** : I just said I was going to be there, not that I would be there at the same time you guys all are or that I’ll even make eye contact with anyone other than you. I don’t have anything to say to anyone there. 

**Kwon Soonyoung** : Then why come all this way, Ji? And why me of all people?

**Lee Jihoon** : Because a part of me knows that I’d regret it if I didn’t come. At least that’s what Cheol hyung kept telling me. And because I’m an idiot and you already know that I’m here.

**Kwon Soonyoung** : You could have just ignored me like I expected you to.

**Lee Jihoon** : I could have.

**Kwon Soonyoung** : So why didn’t you?

**Lee Jihoon** : Because it’s you.

  
  


Soonyoung stared at his phone for a moment before Jihoon text again.

  
  


**Lee Jihoon** : Anyways. I just wanted you to know. Get back to Chan. He needs you. Goodnight, Soon.

  
  


Soonyoung honestly had never been more confused in his life. He didn’t expect a response at all from Jihoon, let alone the response that he did. He quickly pocketed his phone to join the others when Chan came walking in.

“Everything okay with Mingyu hyung?”

Soonyoung just nodded. For some reason he couldn’t quite trust his voice right now. He reached out for Chan and pulled the younger into him as they slowly danced back and forth with each other. It was almost laughable at how even in moments that they should just enjoy the rest from dancing, their bodies just naturally found a rhythm somewhere.

He knew that he should just be honest with Chan and tell him that he’d reached out to Jihoon about coming and that he would in fact be there tomorrow but didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. But there were still so many questions that Soonyoung had about some of Jihoon’s responses and he honestly didn’t know how to explain them to himself, let alone to Chan.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bombshell ahead!! things are about to get wild and i'm not even sorry lol.
> 
> yell at me in the comments if you want to haha.

Soonyoung woke up the next morning stressed and full of regret. He wished that he’d never pulled his phone out and tried to contact Jihoon. The younger had responded fairly quickly to his text, which Soonyoung sent right after his call going to voicemail, so why couldn’t he just continue to ignore him. Why did he have to tell Soonyoung that he was going to be there today? Soonyoung groaned as he made his way to the bathroom to shower before Chan and the others woke up.

“It’s gonna be fine, Soon. Everything is fine. Just gotta get through today.”

_ Then why haven’t you told Chan that your conversation with Mingyu last night was actually a conversation with his cousin who just happens to also be your ex and that he is in fact going to be at this funeral today? _

Soonyoung did not have the patience to deal with his guilty conscience right now. He really just hoped that he was doing the right thing. Maybe Jihoon wouldn’t show up after all. Maybe he was just saying that to appease Soonyoung. Maybe this would all be okay.

  
  
  
  


It wasn’t. 

The parlor was packed with people paying their final respects to Chan’s dad but all Soonyoung could think about was where Jihoon was and what if someone else saw him? He was so focused on scanning the room for Jihoon that he didn’t even notice that Chan had made his way back to him.

“Hyung?” Chan spoke softly as he rested his chin on Soonyoung’s shoulder. “Are you okay? You’ve been kinda spaced out since we got here.”

And if Soonyoung thought that he’d felt guilty about lying to Chan about talking to Jihoon last night, it was nothing compared to the guilt that he was feeling now. Here he was at his boyfriend’s dad’s funeral so focused on if his ex was there or not that it had Chan concerned with whether or not  _ he _ was okay. So Soonyoung did what he’d found himself doing more of since the night before - he lied to Chan.

“I should be asking you that, Chan.”

Chan just smiled at him.

“I’m okay, hyung. Better because you’re here.”

Soonyoung pulled him in for a hug and just held him close for a moment.

“Let’s go get our seats, yeah?”

“You go ahead, hyung. I need to use the restroom really quick.”

Before Soonyoung could offer to go with him, Chan had slipped away and into the crowd. He sighed as he made his way to where Chan’s mom and grandmother were standing. He was about to take his seat when he heard a conversation he knew he wasn’t meant to hear.

“Halmoni, we can’t really be that surprised that Jihoon isn’t here.”

“I know dear, but still. I hoped if anything, he would come for himself, for the closure.”

“I know, halmoni, I know. But Joonho said that Jihoon made it perfectly clear how he felt about him a few years ago when he went to visit him while Jihoon was still in university. And can you blame the poor kid?”

“No, I suppose I can’t. But I worry about him dear. That’s his father and Channie is his brother. They could really be good for each other now.”

“Halmoni. It’s been way too long now to try and make something work there. Chan doesn’t even know that Jihoon is his brother and that’s because Jihoon also made it perfectly clear that he didn’t want to ‘get to know the bastard child that his father’s whore spit out and tore apart his family.’”

Soonyoung took a few steps back to compose himself because he was certain his face was void of any color and that this was a conversation he was not supposed to have heard. Jihoon and Chan were brothers? Why had they lied to Chan about Jihoon being his cousin when he was his brother? And why hadn’t Jihoon ever said anything to him about that? Suddenly Jihoon’s reaction to him dating Chan and the news that Chan’s dad had died made sense. Oh god, what was he doing? What did he just find himself in the middle of? He had to get out of there, get some fresh air. But before he could make a dash for the exit, he locked eyes with Jihoon as Chan made his way back from the restroom.

“Hyung? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Are you sure you’re alright?”

Soonyoung just nodded and took Chan’s hand and led them to their seats beside his mom and grandma. Seungkwan and Hansol soon joined them and also seemed to notice that something was off with Soonyoung.

“Hyung, you don’t look so good,” Seungkwan chimed in, checking Soonyoung for a fever.

Soonyoung brushed his hand away and hated the hurt look in the younger’s eyes.

“Ahh, Kwannie I’m okay, yeah? Funerals just make me feel uneasy, that’s all.”

He did his best to be convincing as he smiled and pinched at Seungkwan’s cheeks. He let go of the breath he’d been holding when Seungkwan bought it and turned his attention back to his boyfriend.

_ Just get through this service and then you guys can head back to the house and get your things and go, that’s all Soon, you got this. _

But Soonyoung did not in fact have it. And he was really starting to question whether or not he would get out of this town unscathed. 

  
  
  


By the time the funeral wrapped up, Soonyoung was on pins and needles. He had no idea if Jihoon was still there and had absolutely no idea what to do with the information about him and Chan that he’d accidentally overheard. He made small talk with Seungkwan and Hansol while Chan stood with his mom and grandma thanking people for taking time out of their days to come and pay their respects before his phone buzzed in his pocket. Without even thinking he pulled it out of his pocket and instantly wished that he hadn’t.

**Lee Jihoon** : Can you slip away?

Soonyoung turned around to see if he could spot Jihoon in the crowd when his phone buzzed again.

**Lee Jihoon** : Look a little more to the left.

Soonyoung flicked his eyes to the left to see Jihoon staring at him momentarily before looking back to his phone. Soonyoung glanced back down at his own phone noticing that Jihoon was typing out another message.

**Lee Jihoon** : Hallway stairwell. Please Soonyoung.

Soonyoung looked back up at Jihoon and could see the desperation on his face. He hated seeing that kind of pain etched on his face. Jihoon may have had an incredibly complicated relationship with his dad, but that didn’t erase the fact that the man in the casket wasn’t just Chan’s dad, but his as well. Soonyoung just nodded at Jihoon who pulled his hat down and his mask back up to shield his face and headed out. Chan was still busy with his mom and grandma, so Soonyoung took the opportunity to excuse himself to the restroom. With as pale as the others claimed he looked earlier, he figured no one would question him. He reassured both Seungkwan and Chan as he made his way to the door that led back into the hallway that he was okay and would be right back. He hated himself for lying to all of them. When had it gotten so easy and why was he willing to do that for Jihoon of all people?

The stairwell was at the very end of the hall and thankfully near the restroom. Soonyoung had a feeling that he wasn’t lying about needing to visit it. He saw Jihoon sitting on the bottom step and took a deep breath before making his way over to him.

“Hey,” Soonyoung spoke softly. “You okay?”

Jihoon looked up at him and sighed, scooting over to make room for Soonyoung to sit next to him. Soonyoung hesitated for a moment before Jihoon spoke up again.

“I don’t bite, ya know?”

“Shut up,” Soonyoung scoffed as he sat down next to his ex.

They sat in silence for a bit, Soonyoung unsure of what to say. Should he bring up what he knows and ask Jihoon about it? Should he just sit here and let Jihoon lead the conversation or lack of one? One thing he did know is that the more time he spent in Iksan, the more confused he became about someone that he thought he knew almost everything about.

Jihoon sighed and Soonyoung just waited. But when the younger still stayed quiet, Soonyoung figured why not just ask him. He didn’t really have anything to lose, the pair being long broken up at this point. Soonyoung cleared his throat.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

Jihoon looked over at him, expression unreadable. Soonyoung continued.

“I overheard your halmoni talking with Chan’s mom. About you.”

Jihoon nodded. Soonyoung wanted to pull his hair out. Why did Jihoon insist on being so stubborn?

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung turned towards him before continuing. “That’s your dad too. That’s why you came, isn’t it?”

Soonyoung noticed a tear make its way down Jihoon’s face and had to fight the instinct to wipe it away.

“Ji?” 

He sat there as more tears found their way down Jihoon’s face, eyes pleading with the younger to just open up to him.

“Jihoonie?”

That seemed to be what broke Jihoon as a sob escaped from his mouth and he threw himself into Soonyoung’s arms. Soonyoung couldn’t fight his instincts if he tried and wrapped his arms around Jihoon as the younger cried.

“Shh, Hoonie, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

Jihoon pulled away and looked at Soonyoung with the most painful expression he’d ever seen.

“It’s not okay, Soonyoung! It’s not. I hated that man. I hated him so so much. That man is why I’m so fucked up, Soon! I’m so terrified that I’m going to be just fucking like him that I fuck things up.”

Jihoon’s voice was echoing through the hallway and Soonyoung was starting to become very aware of that fact. The last thing he needed was for Chan to come out into the hallway to see what was going on. Or Seungkwan. He knew that Seungkwan wouldn’t hesitate to kick his ass all the way back to Seoul.

“Jihoon, calm down okay?”

“Calm down? Soonyoung, how can I calm down? The last almost ten years of my life have been a lie! I’ve known since my father came to visit me when we were in university that Chan was my brother but that Chan didn’t know. Just knew me as his cousin in whatever fairytale of a story our dad made up about why his “brother” walked out on my mom and me to save face with Chan. I knew that and I never told you even though Chan started working at the same studio as you over two years ago.”

“Ji, it’s okay. I understand why you didn’t.”

“No, Soonyoung, you don’t! You don’t understand! I am no better than that man lying in that casket! He walked out on his family and I am no better than him! Soonyoung, I walked out on you the same way he walked out on me and my mom! How can you not hate me for that? How can you be here comforting me instead of Chan? God, Soonyoung, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything.”

At this point Soonyoung was crying just as hard as Jihoon was. He had never heard this kind of emotion from Jihoon other than in his music. But before he could say anything, Soonyoung heard a door open down the hallway and quickly pulled Jihoon up and into the bathroom, thanking the universe that it was a single and had a lock on the door. He put his hand over Jihoon’s mouth when the younger tried to yell at him just in time for someone to knock on the door.

“Hyung? Hyung, are you alright? You’ve been gone for awhile now and Chan is asking about you.”

Soonyoung took a breath before answering Seungkwan.

“I’m okay, Kwannie. Sorry I’ve been in here so long. I’m just not feeling that well. But I’m okay. I’ll be out in just a few, yeah? Tell Chan I’ll be there shortly.”

“Are you sure, hyung? I can wait for you.”

“I’m sure Seungkwan-ah. Go be with Chan for me, please? He needs you more than I do. I’m just going to splash some water on my face and I’ll be there.”

Soonyoung sighed in relief as Seungkwan agreed and made his way back down the hallway. He waited a few seconds before peeking out the door to make sure he’d actually gone back.

He turned to face Jihoon again and wished that he hadn’t. In all the years that Soonyoung and Jihoon had known each other, the elder of the two can’t recall a time that Jihoon had looked this broken. He wished that he had the courage to just walk out the door and leave Jihoon to sort out his own mess. But once again, he found himself doing something he didn’t think he would. He pulled the younger back into him and wrapped him in a hug.

The two just stood there for a moment, content in the little bubble they’d created and Soonyoung hated himself for it. He loved Chan. He was with Chan. But he couldn’t ignore the feelings that being this close to Jihoon again brought back to the surface.

It was almost as if nothing had changed between the two of them but at the same time, almost everything had in fact changed. Except for maybe their innate ability to read each other better than anyone else could. Soonyoung confirmed that as he watched Jihoon pull back and step away from him.

“You should get back to Chan.”

Soonyoung just nodded.

“Thank you.”

“For what, Ji?”

“For meeting me here. For listening to me. For just being you.”

Soonyoung held back the smile that so desperately wanted to come out. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t indulge this beyond this moment. He’d found some closure finally. And what happened in Iksan would have to stay in Iksan for everyone’s sake.

“I’ll always care about you, Ji. But this, us meeting like this, it can’t happen anymore. I’m with Chan and I care a lot about him.”

“I know you do. I’m not asking you to change anything. And I’m not asking for anything else. I’m just glad that I finally had the chance to be honest with you.”

Soonyoung allowed himself to smile at that and just nodded.

“You should head out first. I’ll wait a few minutes before I come out. I’m heading back to Seoul after I leave here anyways.”

“Yeah, so are we.”

“Safe travels then, Soonyoung.”

“Yeah, you too Jihoon.”

The pair smiled at each other again as Soonyoung slipped out the door and back down the hallway to join Chan and the others. He reassured them all that he was okay and that the lack of sleep combined with the stress of a funeral is what had him feeling less than 100%. As they made their way back to Soonyoung’s car, Hansol insisted that he drive them back to Chan’s mom’s house to get their things and then drive them back to Seoul and Soonyoung didn’t argue.

They had all packed most of their things that morning, save for what they were going to change into for the drive home, so gathering their things didn’t take much time. By the time they all lugged their suitcases down the stairs, Chan’s grandmother had two big bags of food packed up for them to take home, insisting that they needed to eat more than instant noodles and fried chicken all the time. Seungkwan and Hansol thanked her as they took the bags and headed to the car to put their things away. Soonyoung stayed by Chan’s side as he said goodbye to his mom and grandma before making their own way to the car.

Chan stopped just before Soonyoung opened the door and turned back around to wave one last time before turning back to Soonyoung. The elder just smiled as he took Chan’s hand in his and kissed it before opening the door for him.

“Stay over tonight, hyung? When we get back?”

“Of course, Chan-ah. Let’s go home.”

Soonyoung let Chan cuddle up next to him as Hansol drove them all back into the city. The city that Jihoon also lived in with shared friends. Soonyoung hoped that things would just go back to the way that they had been but couldn’t shake the feeling that his encounter with Jihoon at the funeral was just the beginning of something that none of them were ready for.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jihoon releases a new song.

The few weeks after the funeral went by relatively uneventful. Almost suspiciously so. Chan had returned to work at the studio after taking some time off to heal. Soonyoung had completely thrown himself into his dancing. And from what he heard from Jeonghan, Jihoon had also thrown himself back into his music. Soonyoung hadn’t heard from Jihoon since that day at the funeral, and he honestly wasn’t sure what to think about it. He still hadn’t told Chan, or anyone else for that matter, what he had overheard or that Jihoon admitted it all to be true as he broke down over the loss of his father.

Soonyoung hated keeping a secret like that from Chan. But how in the world could he possibly be the one to tell him that his entire life had been a lie? If his own family had agreed that it was best for him to not know the truth, then regardless of what Soonyoung thought of the situation he would respect that. He really hated knowing secrets that he wasn’t supposed to know. He didn’t ask to overhear any of that. 

  
  
  


Three months. Three months is the time that it took for things to finally start to implode around Soonyoung. It started with a simple text convo with Jeonghan.

**hannie hyung** : are you busy tonight, soon?

**horanghae** : nope. my last class is over at 7:00. why hyung?

**hannie hyung** : come over then! gyu is coming over tonight because we’ve both been abandoned for jihoon. bring channie if you want. you shouldn’t have to suffer just because we are lol.

**horanghae** : channie has a late class tonight. like he does most nights actually. keeps his mind busy. but i’ll be there as soon as i leave here! see you around 7:30?

**hannie hyung** : sound perfect soonie! see you then!

  
  


The rest of the day seemed to whiz by for Soonyoung. His final class of the day wrapped up earlier than usual, so he made his way down to where Chan was about to start his last class for the night. The elder stood in the doorway as he watched Chan glide across the floor to the music. If Soonyoung had to pick one thing about Chan that he found the most attractive, it was his dancing. The younger was just as passionate about dancing as he was. Soonyoung waited until the song ended before walking over to Chan and wrapping him in a back hug causing the younger to flinch at the sudden contact.

“Hyuuuuuung,” Chan pouted as he spoke and turned around to face Soonyoung. “You scared me. I figured you would have already headed to Hannie hyung’s?”

Soonyoung just chuckled as he left a quick peck on the younger’s lips.

“I just wanted to check in on you before I did.”

Soonyoung didn’t miss the look that Chan gave him, although he wasn’t quite sure how to place it.

“Hyung,” he said with a bit of a bite to it, “I’m fine. You don’t have to always check up on me.”

“But then what kind of boyfriend would that make me?” Soonyoung said through a smile, hoping to ease whatever tension had started to build between the two of them.

“The kind that isn’t suffocating.”

Soonyoung dropped his hands to his sides at the words, brows knitted together and hurt etched on his face. Chan seemed to realize what he had said as Soonyoung took a step back from him.

“Hyung, wait no. I didn’t - I didn’t mean it like that.”

Soonyoung just cleared his throat and ran his hand through his hair.

“It’s fine, Chan-ah.”

Chan took a tentative step forward. Soonyoung didn’t step back but also didn’t make any effort to meet in the middle.

“Hyung, I’m sorry. It’s just -”

“I said it was fine, Chan.” Soonyoung’s words were final as he cut Chan off mid sentence. 

“But you’re mad now.”

Soonyoung sighed.

“I’m not mad, Chan.”

Before either of them could say anything else, Chan’s students started filing their way into the studio and Soonyoung took another step back and adjusted his bag on his shoulder.

“Have a good class, yeah? I don’t have any classes tomorrow, so I won’t be in but I’ll be in touch okay?”

Chan just nodded and mumbled a quiet goodbye before turning his attention on getting ready for his class as Soonyoung made his way out of the building to make the trek to Jeonghan’s.

Normally Soonyoung hated being late to things. He’s prided himself on being a punctual person but tonight he couldn’t be bothered to care that it was almost 8:00 before he made it to Jeonghan and Seungcheol’s shared apartment. He punched in the door code and toed his shoes off as he made his way into the living room where Jeonghan and Mingyu already seemed to be chowing down on the pizza and chicken they’d ordered. Soonyoung flopped down on the couch next to Mingyu.

“Yah hyung! What took you so long? And why the hell didn’t you answer your phone? We’ve both been calling you. We were worried!”

Soonyoung felt guilty for worrying the pair. 

“Sorry Gyu. I didn’t mean to worry you guys.”

“Soonie, what’s wrong?” 

Soonyoung just sighed.

“Hey,” Jeonghan nudged him. “Did something happen?”

Soonyoung reached forward and grabbed a beer from the table, opening and chugging half of it before answering.

“Chan and I got into an argument kinda? I don’t even know really.”

Both Jeonghan and Mingyu turned their full attention to Soonyoung. Soonyoung finished off the rest of his beer before continuing.

He told them how his last class of the night finished a little earlier than it usually does and that he decided to go check in on Chan before he headed out for the night. He explained that what he meant by ‘checking in’ on Chan was just to see how his day had gone like they both have done with the other any time one of them finishes up their day earlier than usual. Soonyoung could feel himself getting frustrated the more he thought about it. 

“He took everything the wrong way. When he told me that I didn’t have to check up on him all the time, I asked him what kind of boyfriend that would make me. He said that it would make me one that isn’t suffocating.”

Soonyoung didn’t miss the looks on either of their faces.

“Am I suffocating him? I’ve never been with someone that lost a parent before. I don’t know what they need or don’t need.” 

Suddenly Soonyoung was feeling very self conscious of himself.

“You were with Jihoon hyung though?” Mingyu offered. Jeonghan not so subtly elbowed him as soon as Jihoon’s name left his mouth.

“Ouch, hyung what’d you do that for?” Mingyu pouted.

Soonyoung knew what Mingyu was implying. But what neither of them knew was that Jihoon had lost his father in more ways than just the one they knew about.

“Gyu, that’s different though. In a way, I guess,” Jeonghan started. “I mean, Jihoon’s dad left him and his mom when he was little and before Soonie and him ever met. I don’t imagine that feels any better, but at least Jihoonie’s dad is still out there somewhere.”

Soonyoung wanted to stop talking about this. He had done so good keeping his mouth shut when it came to Jihoon and Chan being brothers. Mainly because he just never talked about Jihoon.

“Anyways,” Soonyoung said as he cleared his throat.

“Right,” Jeonghan said as he focused his attention back to him. “I’m sure it will all blow over by tomorrow, Soonie. I’m sure that Channie didn’t mean what he said.”

Soonyoung just nodded. He knew that Chan didn’t mean to hurt his feelings and he knew that the younger felt bad when Soonyoung left the studio.

Before Soonyoung could dwell on it any longer, all three of their phones buzzed at the same time. They all looked at each other before grabbing their phones to see who it was. They had rarely used their old group chat since Soonyoung and Jihoon split up.

It was a notification from SoundCloud. Jihoon’s SoundCloud to be precise. Soonyoung had completely forgotten that he was still following Jihoon’s account. It had been roughly a year since anything had been posted on it. And the more that Soonyoung thought about it, he realized that it had been roughly the same amount of time since the two of them had split up.

Against his better judgement, Soonyoung clicked on the notification. The app opened and loaded Jihoon’s page and sure enough, this was the first time in a year that he had uploaded a song to it. Pinwheel. That was the name of the song. Soonyoung looked over to Jeonghan and Mingyu, both of them also on Jihoon’s page. He could tell that they wanted to hear the song. Jihoon was still their friend, even if only because of Seungcheol and Wonwoo. And truthfully, he was curious to hear it as well. Regardless of how things stood with him and Jihoon, Soonyoung would never deny the fact that the younger was the most talented songwriter and producer he’d ever heard.

“We can listen to the song you guys. I won’t fall apart.” Soonyoung chuckled. 

Jeonghan smiled and nodded as he clicked on the song to play it.

When the beautiful piano melody began, Soonyoung couldn’t help but feel a tinge of sorrow at the sad chords played. But when Jihoon began singing, Soonyoung suddenly couldn’t shake the sorrow that was starting to settle in his heart at the lyrics. 

  
  


_ Many things happen _

_ So busy without a breath to catch _

_ Because of this damn world _

_ If I say that’s why we grew apart _

_ Feels like I’m making it up so I have no faults _

_ So I can’t say that _

_ I’m just facing the wind _

_ In the future _

_ So I won’t be sorry _

_ I want to always be waiting _

_ That makes me feel better _

_ Even if you get lost _

_ And it takes you a while _

_ Come round and round back to me _

_ Even if it’s far ahead in the future _

  
  


_ Feels like time has hidden _

_ And taken you too _

_ Can’t I see you? _

_ Sometimes, I get bad thoughts _

_ I start to forget you _

_ But don’t cry _

_ It may seem sad _

_ But I’m here _

_ For you _

_ Even if you get lost _

_ And it takes you a while _

_ Come round and round back to me _

_ Even if it’s far ahead in the future _

  
  


The three sat in silence as the song finished. Soonyoung was stunned. Was that song about him? For him? Suddenly he thought back on being in Iksan for the funeral and the things that Jihoon had said to him. 

“That was, uhh.. wow.”

Mingyu. His ever sweet dongsaeng was trying his best to put together some sort of coherent thought about what they’d just listened to.

“Soonie?” Jeonghan spoke softly as he turned to look at Soonyoung. “Are you alright?”

Soonyoung just sat there trying to process the lyrics that kept repeating in his head.

_ Even if you get lost _

_ And it takes you a while _

_ Come round and round back to me _

_ Even if it’s far ahead in the future _

“Soonyoung?”

The faint buzzing of his phone brought Soonyoung back to reality as he grabbed it off the table.

**uri boo** : Soonyoung hyung? Are you busy?

**horanghae** : What’s up Kwannie?

**uri boo:** The song hyung. I uhh, heard it. Sollie and I did.

_ Fuck _

**horanghae** : Yeah, I heard it.

**horanghae** : Has Chan?

**uri boo** : I’m not sure, hyung. He’s not home from the studio yet.

**uri boo** : It’s about you isn’t it? The song.

Soonyoung just stared at his phone. He debated on whether or not to just lie again. He’d gotten really good at that when it came to Jihoon. But then again, he didn’t have anything to hide when it came to this song. He didn’t know that Jihoon was going to write a song like that about him. And the more that he thought about it, the more pissed off he got. Who the hell did Jihoon think he was? And where was all of this a year ago before everything went to shit?

**horanghae** : I don’t know Seungkwan-ah.

**uri boo** : Hyung? Are you okay?

**horanghae** : I’m fine. I’ll talk to you later, yeah?

**uri boo** : Hyung, please don’t be like this.

  
  


Soonyoung just pocketed his phone and reached for another beer, chugging the entire thing in one go before standing up and heading to the door.

“Soonie, where are you going?”

“His studio,” Soonyoung bit out as he slipped his shoes back on.

“Hyung, are you sure that’s a good idea?” Mingyu asked as he made his way over to him, stopping when he realized there were tears pooling in Soonyoung’s eyes.

“Who the fuck does he think he is? Posting a song like that after a year of not posting anything?”

“Soonie,” Jeonghan spoke softly trying to calm him down.

“Did you know, hyung? Did you know he was writing that song about me? Or for me?”

Jeonghan looked shocked at the accusation.

“Soonie, no, I didn’t. Why would you think that?”

“Oh I don’t know, maybe because your fiance is his best friend?”

“Hyung, that’s not fair.” 

Sweet Mingyu and his attempt to calm the situation down. Soonyoung almost felt bad for the way he was acting, but he was too angry with Jihoon right now to see anything else.

“Fair? Fair, Mingyu-yah? What’s NOT fair is Jihoon waiting an entire year before saying ANY of this when there have been so many opportunities for him to.”

“What opportunities, Soonie? You both have all but avoided each other for the past year. Except for the night Chan’s dad died and you were at Jihoonie’s studio.”

“The funeral,” Soonyoung spat. “He was at the funeral and we talked! He could have said something then! But he didn’t because he NEVER can!”

Jeonghan and Mingyu looked at Soonyoung wide eyed and Soonyoung slapped his hand over his mouth in realization at what he’d just said.

“Fuck. Fucking hell. Please just pretend like I didn’t just say that. Guys, please.”

“Soonie, what are you talking about? What do you mean Jihoon was there?”

Soonyoung sighed. He didn’t have time to explain everything and honestly he was still so angry at Jihoon and wanted the opportunity to take some of that anger out on him. He knew that Jeonghan would forgive him for his harsh words. He would understand why he was acting the way that he was. So he let the words flow freely before storming out.

“Ask your fiance, hyung. It was apparently his idea,” Soonyoung pointedly told Jeonghan as he walked out of his apartment and made his way to Jihoon’s studio.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> soonyoung confronts jihoon in his studio. but will he regret it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m not even remotely sorry for this 😂😂
> 
> yell at me in the comments - i live for the chaos

Soonyoung’s anger carried him all the way to Jihoon’s studio despite the frantic calls from Jeonghan and Mingyu as he left. He briefly wondered if the pair had called Seungcheol or Wonwoo after he left but that question was answered as he made his way out of the elevator only to come face to face with the pair. Soonyoung couldn’t be bothered to say anything to either or them, his sole focus being on getting to Jihoon. He didn’t make it far before a hand on his shoulder stopped him in his tracks before turning him around.

“Soon, you need to calm down. Mingyu and Hannie hyung are worried sick about you,” Wonwoo spoke softly to him.

Soonyoung brushed off his hand and stared the two of them down, eyes zeroing in on Seungcheol.

“Did you know hyung? I mean, it was your idea after all for him to go to Iksan for the funeral.”

Soonyoung didn’t miss the look of shock on Wonwoo’s face and maybe an hour ago he would have cared, but he knew that Mingyu would have told him if he hadn’t. 

Seungcheol remained quiet and Soonyoung grew more and more impatient.

“It’s a simple question hyung. Did you know about this song? I mean, you were literally just with him when the song dropped. Did you three have a nice laugh as he posted it?” Soonyoung’s voice cracked at the end of his rant and he hated himself for being so emotional again because of Jihoon.

Seungcheol leaned in and mumbled something to Wonwoo, the youngest of the three just nodding and stepping into the elevator, before he turned his attention back to Soonyoung.

“No Soonyoung, I didn’t know about the song. Not the specifics anyways.”

Soonyoung just stared at him.

“I knew that he was releasing a new song today. But I haven’t heard it and that’s not why Wonwoo and I were here. We were gaming. And I didn’t know you knew about him going to Iksan?”

Soonyoung sighed. He wanted to believe Seungcheol and for the most part he did. But he would be lying if he said that things between the two of them hadn’t been off since his breakup with Jihoon. Seungcheol was Jihoon’s best friend and had always been. 

“He told me.”

Seungcheol just stood there, clearly unsure of what to say.

“I was with Chan at his mom and grandma’s house. His grandma kept asking Chan about Jihoon, if he thought that he would be there or not. He didn’t know what to tell her because he’d tried so many times to reach out to Jihoon and ask him to come, for their grandma if anything. So I excused myself from the table and went to go call Ji to tell him to get his ass there but of course he didn’t answer. I ripped him a new one over a text and didn’t expect to hear back from him, but replied and told me that he was there.”

They were both quiet for a moment before Soonyoung continued.

“I saw him at the funeral and we spoke.”

Soonyoung wanted to ask Seungcheol if he knew about Jihoon and Chan being brothers but kept quiet knowing that it wasn’t his place to bring it up.

“I didn’t know that, Soonyoung. And I didn’t know about the song. I did tell him to think about going to the funeral, at least to see his grandma, but I didn’t think he would actually go.”

Soonyoung just nodded.

“Does he know that I’m here?”

Seungcheol shook his head.

“He may be my best friend, but that doesn’t mean I want to see you hurt either. We used to be pretty good friends, Soon, and Hannie is still so fond of you.”

Seungcheol turned to press the button for the elevator as Soonyoung made his way down to Jihoon’s studio. He turned to look back at Seungcheol before the elevator closed.

“Hyung?”

Seungcheol met his eyes as the door started to close.

“Thanks.”

Soonyoung waved as the door shut. While he was glad to have found some sort of understanding with Seungcheol, it didn’t undo everything and it didn’t take away the anger that he still felt towards Jihoon.

He didn’t even bother knocking on the door. He knew that the door code was still the same and punched it in and slammed the door behind him, causing Jihoon to jump. The younger had his back towards him and clearly didn’t expect Soonyoung to be standing there when he spoke as he turned around.

“I swear to fuck hyung, if you slam my door one more ti-.. Soonyoung? What are you doing here?”

“What am I doing here? What am I doing here? You drop a song like that and you actually have the audacity to ask me what I’m doing here? Jihoon, what the fuck?”

“You heard it?”

“I was with Mingyu and Jeonghan hyung when it dropped. We all got the notification. I told them we could listen to it because I wasn’t expecting something like that to be what you released.”

Soonyoung didn’t miss the look on Jihoon’s face. Was he seriously going to sit there and look unbothered? His short conversation with Seungcheol had calmed him some, but seeing Jihoon look this indifferent about the situation reignited that anger.

  
“Why Jihoon? Why now?”

“What do you mean?”

Soonyoung sighed as he looked up to collect himself.

“The song, Jihoon. The fucking song. It’s about us. Why?”

“It was cathartic.”

Soonyoung just blinked as Jihoon continued.

“We’ve both been miserable for over a year now, Soonyoung. I owed it to us to acknowledge that.”

“You had no right to release a song like that.”

Soonyoung saw the expression on Jihoon’s face change in the matter of seconds.

“I had no right? Who are you to tell me what kind of songs I can or can’t release, Soonyoung?”

“Who are you to release a song about us like that, Jihoon? Knowing that all of our friends would hear it? That Chan would hear it?”

“Ahh,” Jihoon said as he leaned back in his chair, crossing his legs at his ankles. “So you’re not actually upset about the song. Just that Chan will hear it. Interesting.”

Soonyoung crossed the room and was in Jihoon’s face in a matter of seconds. He grabbed the younger by the shirt and pulled him out of the chair. Jihoon’s eyes widened in shock before he smirked up at Soonyoung.

“Tell me, Soonie. Have you told Chan that he and I are brothers? Or that I was there at the funeral? That I cried on your shoulder in that stairwell and then when you heard Seungkwan coming to look for you, you hid us both in the bathroom?”

Soonyoung shoved Jihoon back into his chair and turned around, dragging his hand down his face and sighing.

“I’ll take that as a no?”

“No.”

“No?”

Soonyoung turned back around to face Jihoon.

“No, I haven’t told him.”

“Interesting,” Jihoon mused.

Soonyoung sat down on the couch that lined the wall and closed his eyes. He could hear Jihoon sigh and the chair rolling and hitting the desk before he felt the couch shift beneath him. Jihoon was sitting next to him. He cracked one eye open to look at him.

“Why haven’t you told him?”

He turned to face Jihoon. He noticed how tired the younger looked. Like he hadn’t slept properly since finding out his dad had died.

“It’s not for me to tell him. I wasn’t even supposed to hear what I did, Ji. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Jihoon hummed.

“Are you saying that I should be the one to tell him then?”

Soonyoung shook his head.

“Do you love him?”

Soonyoung looked up at him.

“Of course I do.”

“Even knowing what you know now? About him and I?”

Soonyoung didn’t answer. Of course he still loved Chan. But he couldn’t deny that ever since his conversation with Jihoon at the funeral, something felt different.

“Soonyoung?”

Soonyoung met his eyes again. Jihoon had turned to face him fully.

“Do you still love me?”

Soonyoung nodded his head before he could think to stop himself. He saw the look on Jihoon’s face as he lowered his own, desperately trying to fight back his tears, and whispered.

“But I can’t.”

Jihoon sat in silence for a moment before he reached out for him and lifted his face back up. Soonyoung knew that he should fight back. He didn’t want to let Jihoon see him crying. But he had never been that strong when it came to how he felt about the younger. He met Jihoon’s eyes and leaned into the touch as Jihoon began to softly sing the song he’d written for them.

“ _Even if you get lost_

_And it takes you a while_

_Come round and round back to me_

_Even if it’s far ahead in the future_ ”

Soonyoung cried harder as he fell into Jihoon’s chest.

“Shh, Soonie, it’s okay. I’m here.”

Soonyoung sat back and looked into Jihoon’s eyes and for the first time in over a year, he saw the eyes that he had fallen in love with all those years ago. He knew that he needed to get up and get out of there. Go home. Or to his dance studio. Anywhere but sitting in Jihoon’s studio with him like this. He knew that the longer he sat there, the more likely he was to say something he couldn’t take back.

And then it happened. Jihoon leaned in and captured Soonyoung’s lips with his own. Soonyoung knew that he should push him off, but everything about it felt so right. He let Jihoon push him down onto the couch as he sat with his legs on either side of Soonyoung’s hips. Soonyoung reached up to wrap his arms around Jihoon as the younger ran his tongue across his lip, asking for permission. And Soonyoung granted it. The feeling of Jihoon’s tongue tangling with his igniting something in him that he thought he’d never feel again.

They made out lazily for what seemed like hours before the buzzing of Soonyoung’s phone jolted him back to reality. Jihoon moved off him so fast that it almost gave him whiplash. But for some reason, Soonyoung kept one hand on Jihoon’s ankle that was still draped across him as he reached for his phone. 

It was Seungkwan.

**uri boo** : Hyung.. Chan just got home. He heard the song. Can you please come over and talk some sense into him? He’s been freaking out since he came in.

**horanghae** : I’m on my way.

**uri boo** : Thanks hyung.

  
  


Soonyoung sighed as he stood up.

“Leaving?”

He turned to look at Jihoon.

“I have to. Chan heard the song. Seungkwan said he’s upset about it.”

Jihoon just nodded.

“What are you going to tell him?”

“That the song is about you and me. And that I came here to give you a piece of my mind. All of which is true.”

Jihoon snorted.

“But it’s not the whole truth, Soon.”

“Seems like I’ve gotten good at that when it comes to you lately.”

He couldn’t quite make out the expression on Jihoon’s face at his words. He didn’t move as Jihoon stood and joined him by the door, wrapping his arms around Soonyoung again.

“I meant what I wrote in it. You’re the one that I’ve always wanted to spend forever with, Soonyoung. But I know I fucked up. And I know that you’ve moved on or are trying to. And hell, maybe I will too. But nothing with us will ever be off the table Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung smiled as he pressed a kiss to Jihoon’s temple and headed out to the elevator.

He was in over his head and he knew it. And he knew that he needed to talk to someone about it tomorrow after he’d calmed Chan down and reassured him of .. well he wasn’t even quite sure what it was that he was reassuring him of at this point.

As he entered the elevator, he pulled out his phone and messaged Jeonghan. He knew that it was tacky of him, considering what he’d said to the elder before he stormed out. But he hoped that starting off with an apology would be enough for him.

**horanghae** : Hyung? Are you still awake?

**hanniehae** : Yeah, what’s up? Are you okay?

**horanghae** : Yeah.

 **horanghae** : Actually no.

 **horanghae** : I’m sorry for what I said to you earlier, hyung.

**hanniehae** : It’s okay, Soonie. I know you didn’t mean it.

 **hanniehae** : Is that all you text me to say? Or was there something else?

**horanghae** : Chan heard the song.   
**horanghae** : Seungkwan text me. Said he was upset. I’m on my way over there now.

**hanniehae** : Oh no. Cheol said that he spoke to you before you went to talk to Jihoon. Is that where you just left from?

Soonyoung sighed. He knew that Jeonghan knew that’s where he was going when he left his place earlier. Might as well just rip off the bandaid. 

**horanghae** : Yeah. I actually need to talk to you about that.

**hanniehae** : Did something happen?

**horanghae** : Yeah. But I want to talk about it in person. Coffee in the morning? My treat.

**hanniehae** : Okay sounds good. Go take care of your baby tonight. Reassure him, yeah?

Soonyoung felt a tear slide down his cheek as he stepped out of the elevator and outside and headed towards Chan’s apartment.

**horanghae** : Yeah.

 **horanghae** : Thanks, hyung. Goodnight.

Soonyoung slipped his phone back in his pocket and made the short trip to Chan’s. He felt sick to his stomach. Not just over the song but for admitting to Jihoon that he was still in love with him. He was absolutely in over his head and knew that so many of them stood to get hurt because of his selfishness. This wasn’t even his family secret and yet it had every possibility of taking everything away from him. Why did he have to be the one to overhear that conversation in Iksan?


End file.
